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Colleen Sarnicolaoffline

  • Hornell, NY, USA
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  • “Love Wins, Winston” (Part 2 of 2)

    Life FIVE:

         Mr. Goldaus had three sons.  One afternoon he sent them out to the backyard with lunch so he could have some peace and quiet.  As the boys were chatting about narwhals, they simultaneously realized someone was…

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    • I like your biblical touch. It doesn’t sound preachy because of your vision. This part is an upgrade from the first one. Emotions can be felt stronger here. While I was reading “Life NINE”, I felt so sad. It was immersive. You truly brought me there, even with an omniscient third-person point of view. The character development also shines more.

      Problems here are your formatting, tags, paragraphs and semicolon usages.

      Firstly, it doesn’t look as clean as the first part.

      Secondly, when dialogue doesn’t end with a question mark or an exclamation mark, you should use a comma instead unless you tag dialogue with an action.

      Thirdly, you should set off a new paragraph when a character reacts to something. This one is obvious: “‘Here comes someone!’ said the voice of the female cat beside him. ‘They will clearly be amazed by my beauty and charm, unlike your disheveled grumpy look. I will become the queen of their home and they will adore me!’ Winston rolled his eyes at her arrogance.”

      The “Winston rolled his eyes” part should’ve been set off as a new paragraph because it’s his reaction to her
      arrogance, which is his motivation to react.

      Lastly, all your semicolons seem to act as amplification instead of linking related sentences. You should’ve used colons instead. These two are the certain amplification examples: “The abandoned cat was alone; again”, “That night, Hannah read familiar words to her two sons from a book she said was very special; The Bible.” The other two are the amplification as well in my opinion. Colons are more grammatically correct.

      Anyway, keep up the good work! I like all your stories so far!

  • A Touch of Red (Part 1)

                                                         
    There was a touch of red in the young hatchling’s tail feathers;…

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    1 Comment
    • Cool twist at the end. Looking forward to the next part. Nester’s and the queen’s relationship is intriguing.

  • Hi Richa! I’m Colleen, a new writer here. I agree the content of this story is good, just needs some proofreading. It always helps me to read my story out loud and listen to the flow of the words and make adjustments as needed so it sounds natural when spoken aloud. A few spelling errors to catch too, like in Rayn’s name, you have it as Ryan…Read More

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